Resisting the Urge to Wallow in Self Pity


It’s so easy to just give in an wallow. To feel the upset and cling to the miser of it. I admit I fell into it like I was high diving for the Olympics. Of course all I have to do all day long…is think. And wonder. I ask myself a million questions, each one more ridiculous than the last, and by the time I am finished with my thinking…I am exhausted and still have no answers. Life has thrown me for a loop more times than I feel is fair. But I am a daughter of the Lord and so I remain ever faithful to His will. If I must endure heartache…He has a reason for it. And with that thought I ask…what am I to learn from this heart ache? If He wishes me to experience all of these negative feelings surely there must be a reason. 

And so …I ponder and reflect all the way back to the beginning. To the very start. I was so trusting. A friendship that I thought would NEVER, in a million years, ended. Best friends since 10th grade. And then just one day…it was gone. For no reason at all. One day we were thick as thieves and the next…nothing. NO returned phone calls. NO returned emails. NO replies via text messaging. Just gone. Oh she was still around. I still see her…and her new husband. I am sure he is the root of all of it. But if she chose to let our friendship go then who am I to argue with it. I tried. I really did but to no avail. And so I wrapped those fun memories of us up in a bow and locked them away. I cried. I was heartbroken. I wondered if I had done something wrong. And as much as I wanted to resolve the issue…there was no resolution to be found. We were just no more.

I moved on. Sort of. I was wounded you see. And wary. How hard it is to trust again after a let down of such magnitude. But I am an open soul…eager to meet new people. And I did. That friendship was …fun. Exhausting sometimes but…fun. We laughed about everything. We grew very close (I thought) and along the way I felt the wound from a previous friendship…mend. We did everything together…planned everything together. It was like be married to a chick. We talked every day on the phone. Had such deep conversations and there was nothing I didn’t tell her. I trusted. Completely. We were…kindred spirits she and I. Both hurt from  previous relationships and some how we managed to brighten each others day with just a funny story or a crazy joke. 

But we were also very different (VERY different I was to learn later). And those differences finally began to show. And I think I just….couldn’t keep up. Her mood towards me…changed. Sometimes in small ways…and sometimes in big. I started to realize…I never knew where I stood with her…literally from one day to the next. We had other friends. We all hung out but eventually it was hard for me to mistake…something was different. I asked…of course I did…I am not a sit back and take it type of girl. I wanted to know. Of course…NOTHING was wrong…everything was fine. I was just being overly emotional.

Sure sure…lump it up to being at home all day and having to much time to myself. I took the out and ran with it. I could make it work. But…something was still off. A subtle shift in atmosphere when ever we were around each other. A distance that, no matter how hard I tried, I could not close. And I tried…believe me…I went above and beyond. There was just no fixing it.

Heartbreak…at this point i had been dealt this blow before and though it hurt terribly I was an old hand at shutting down the emotional roller coaster of it.  Now I just needed to distance myself. To disconnect. And I have…though it may not have even been noticed. Those other friendships moved to the forefront and I am just the acquaintance. And I….I am completely okay with that. It makes it so much easier for me…to disconnect. To let go has been a HUGE relief. I feel as if the weight of a thousand pounds has been lifted from my shoulders. And with that realization came another…should a real and true friendship weigh you down? I almost feel guilty for the relief of it. So…maybe it has just been a life lesson that He wished me experience.

Choose your friendships wisely. NEVER turn one away but…be careful the person you give your loyalty to. I learned that…I am a GREAT friend. I care, sometimes too much, when others care too little. But that reflects on them…not me. I am so very proud of the person that I am. I am…faithful…to God…to my husband…to my friends…to my family. I am always faithful. I love that I have instilled my deep love for friendship in my own children. That they know it’s so very important to be honest and just….talk to one another. Because they have seen that from me. 

I walk away with a light heart because I have done everything I could to make a friendship work. And when it became apparent it wasn’t going to…at least I know…I tried. I am happy. Happy that I can see those old friendships and not feel bitter or hurt by them any more. Happy that I can look back and laugh at the memories we once shared. 

Every friendship changes you. Either for the good…or the bad. It’s up to YOU on how you let it affect you. I am strong enough to walk away with a head held high because those lost friendships…changed me for the better. They taught me a LOT about myself that I did not know and I welcome those lessons as they come if that is how He wishes it to be. 

I don’t have issues with any one of them. I simply choose to remove myself from further heartache. Distance….is all in what perspective you look at it in. Image

 

I’m letting go.

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